ech.
Moody Blues - Nights In White Satin -- Booker T. Washington (1856-1915)
"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."
-- Paul Boese
Today? Today is the day I work on that difficult and noble act known as forgiveness. I can't let him take a hold on my heart any longer the way he has. If I ever want things to improve, to change, I must get rid of the lingering anger and pain, first... ...or else things will never go anywhere.
I'm not going to give you this, "I'm no longer angry" bullshit, because that would be lying - like he did. I'm still bitter and twisted over the whole thing - I'm variating between poles of apathy and raw emotion, and it's very confusing... to say the least.
I just got off the phone... he still is too ridden with guilt to know what he feels about anything, and to tell you the truth, this all has totally thrown me out of place and I don't know what I feel, either. A mixture of anger, hurt and mistrust have made my situation very unstable and without the security I thought I had before, things aren't so easy to work out.
He says he's upset that I don't love him anymore. I asked him why, and he said it was the kind of change he didn't like. "It's just like the final sign that I truly fucked up, you know?" he said. I'll say I'm inclined to agree.
In the ideal world I'd like things to get rebuilt and stuff but that will only happen if I rid myself of these turbulent feelings inside. I'm trying to keep my head above water and be the "mature" one in all this and so far I feel I'm succeeding, but I'm not going to pretend that it isn't a painfully hard thing to do. He needs to get rid of the guilt that's overwhelming him at the moment (at least to the point where it doesn't stop him from getting anywhere), and I need to completely forgive him. I can remember what he did, but that's not to say it should keep me angry with him. I need to take things as a lesson, not a threat.
Anyway, I'm going to stop going on about this because I can tell I'm not making any sense. I'm too confused to be saying anything coherent, it seems.
My stomach hurts. I feel weak, my legs shake when I walk. He told me on the phone how I sounded like crap (not in those words, obviously) and he was kinda worried when I told him I hadn't been crying because he thought by the state of my voice that I was. In his words, "You really don't sound good at all." But the funny thing is, I don't actually feel particularly sick. Lethargic, weak and battered maybe, but not ill. I feel like I'm getting ill, but I don't have the miserable, poorly feeling that comes with it... it's most odd.
Anyway, this is where I stop rambling and get on with updating the site some more. You'll see I changed the layout - pandas are ubercute.
You'll find that amongst other things, I've also revised some of the pages on here to make them a bit more original... it was infuriating me how similar a lot of it was to other sites. I really hate it when I lack the innovation to be at least slightly imaginative, y'know?
| Update by Sali @ 17:20, Sat. July 1 2006 |
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