ech.
Jack Off Jill - Nazi Halo -- Marty Indik
He cheats on me, he totally throws my trust for him in my face, but I'm still the one doing all the work, all the chasing.
At least, that is how it feels. I'm still the one sitting around risking my poor health while I wait for him to call, like the doormat I am becoming. Although I think I already have become the doormat. I cannot believe myself, I really can't.I'm not giving him space, neither am I giving him the chance to give me space. I'm not giving him a chance to think about how he feels, and I'm not giving myself time for that either. I'm just expecting the answers to spring up, and I need to keep telling myself that isn't going to happen.
I have to realise that he's going to start thinking it's all OK to fuck me around like that again if I'm just going to turn around and run to him for solace whenever he does. The thing is, I AM angry with him, and I DON'T know quite what to think of him - why the hell am I still DOING this?!I still don't know how I feel, or how I am supposed to be feeling right now about things; mainly him.
I can't focus on anything because I think I have heatstroke or something. It comes and goes and when it comes, I can hardly move, breathe, see or do anything, and it's really frightening. All I can think about is how much I want him to worry about me... I know it's wrong, but I'm scared and being this sick all of a sudden is really, really frightening - it'd be a bit less stressful if I knew there was someone there who was worrying about me, especially if it was all their fault I feel like this to begin with. Y'know?RIGHT. I have to let him know that he has a fuckload of explaining, making up and thinking to do. I have to let him know that I am not going to be the pushover that takes shit from him anymore, that I am not going to talk to him until he talks to me and I'd like to see him express at least a little bit of concern at some point.
We're supposed to be meeting up again on Thursday as so-called "friends" to hang out in London together. If he fails to do this, I am going to be furious with him, and he'd better fucking know that too.For once I'd like to be the one in CONTROL here.
| Update by Sali @ 22:55, Sun. July 2 2006 |
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