learning from the liable
Iron Maiden - No More Lies -- George Bernard Shaw
-- Benjamin Franklin
I should say I meant I was going to get myself drunk, but the message didn't exactly relay that.
I mean, sure, it's his fault he succumbed to his desires and cheated, and abused my trust and was totally, utterly dishonest - don't think for a second I'm trying to let him off the hook because he's far from that stage yet and in terms of what he did to me, he is still very much in the doghouse.
But there's such a concept as taking a situation which isn't your fault and doing things which reverse the roles and make it something that you ought to be apologising for.
I know I'm the one on the receiving end of all the hurt here and it's going to make me do stupid things, but, whether or not that is any excuse, I am ashamed for doing what I did. He has been in relationships where the girl (whose name will go unmentioned for her sake, as I do sympathise with her on other levels) has threatened suicide or self-harm (I don't know why she did this because it's not really my place to ask), and it has really hurt and worried him in the past. Mainly because she meant what she was threatening to do. Can you imagine the pressure!?
Letting him feel sorry and guilty over what he has done is acceptable entirely, I know that much - but implying such horrible things to him, freaking him out and worrying him when I full well know he is often scared I will do them is not. At least the other girl meant what she was saying - I was just being silly on the spur of an alcohol-clouded moment.
To tell you the honest truth, while I am angry and upset with him, the fact I love his attention and concern will take a good while to change. I like knowing he worries about me - I sometimes feel no one else does, and to know he cares is very reassuring. I guess that's why I did this - if I hadn't been full of Bailey's I probably wouldn't have given in to my whims and done something so rash and hurtful, but I guess there is no changing what has already happened.
Either way, I've managed to change the situation into one that is both my fault, as well as his. He might have a lot of thinking to do in terms of making this shit up to me and helping me feel happy again, but I now have to show him that I wouldn't ever do something like that to him like the other girl did.
Suicide is as selfish as was my pathetic cry out for attention.
Since we broke up, he hasn't actually done anything totally wrong of him that I can mention. He's not been spiteful, he's made every effort to be kind and polite to me, and I've been abusing that entirely. I've been pushing him, trying to see just how far he can go before he snaps - that isn't the right way to go about the whole affair.
He has been nothing but humble, courteous and apologetic and as much as I like to think I've got the upper hand because I'm the victim in this charade, he really is obviously trying to make it up to me. Whether or not he succeeds, there is no reason for me to be as spiteful as I have been lately.
I haven't given him any reason to be as nice to me; no reason to feel guilty for what he has done. I've simply made myself appear bitter, aggressive, and vindictive. I know I'm not that kind of person, but to be perfectly frank that is the impression I have been definitely been giving off for the past couple of days. But still, he treats me with clemency and benevolence.
He has asked me if we can still be friends. I could say, "Well, he's not doing a good job of that right now by being annoyed with me," but can you really BLAME him?! It's not like I've really given him the chance to be my friend.
I know he is annoyed with me, and he told me this much, but so would you if somebody threatened something they didn't mean and left it on your conscience.
I rang up to apologise for sending him that text message earlier. I was drunk, and even though I figured he wouldn't like being bothered, I felt that I had to let him know there was nothing to worry about and that I was sorry for deliberately not being clear when I should have done.
And you know what?
He wasn't rude, or stroppy. Not even his tone of voice sounded profoundly "angry". He spoke to me with complete calmness and civility, with a gracious level of gentlemanly complaisance which elevated my esteem for him a great deal tonight. I had just basically told him that I was going to seriously hurt myself because of him, and he had just spent several minutes fretting whether or not I meant it. But from the humility of his manner, one could never tell.
He very coolly explained to me how pissed off he was and how frightened and worried I had made him, but not for one second did he shout and swear at me, or call me a fucking idiot. He even said that when he wasn't angry over it he'd perhaps try and help me cheer up a bit, and told me to take care and go rest.
"Being drunk is a step up from feeling sad, I guess," he said, and he sounded pretty sympathetic, whether or not I particularly agree with his statement.
He made up for his previous behaviour in so many ways, just by being kind to me when he had every right not to be.
I guess now there is more than one guilty offender in this story, and for that I am truly remorseful.
| Update by Sali @ 02:04, Mon. July 3 2006 |
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