deep thought
Cascada - Everytime We Touch (Candlelight Mix)-- Myself
Added shiny shiny: a girl's guide to gadgets to my recommended links
The above quote is one I made. I find it very frustrating and annoying that I still think about the break-up with my ex, even after three months of not being with him.
I don't know if it's normal for me to still think about it, but I get a feeling that once I find somebody else, that will go away in time and it won't preoccupy me so much. I feel that I'm a lot happier than when I was actually with him - like a huge load is off my shoulders. And that was before I realised he'd been cheating on me... ...with several other girls. Ugh, that bastard.It's not him I miss, I don't think; it's the relationship. I miss having someone to cuddle me when I was upset, to have silly little in-jokes with and go out for dinner with. I do all those things with my friends, anyway, but then, I don't make out with or have sex with my friends.
That's not what a relationship is all about, but it helps make it enjoyable. I liked feeling sexy and vivacious. I don't really feel that way about myself anymore. That's hard to deal with.I've realised just how little self-esteem I actually have. He sucked away at it while we were together, when I had hardly any to begin with. I don't know if he meant to, but he seemed to rip chunks of my confidence away and attach them to his bulging ego instead. I have very few days when I look in the mirror and think, "Wow, that's me!" - I miss the times when I could do that.
I just want someone to come and make me feel beautiful again, only this time I'd rather not be taken for being all beauty and no brains. :/ I hate having my intellect underestimated. Doesn't everyone?Don't get me wrong, I'm not really that depressed lately. I just wish I felt better about myself. I don't feel like anything special, is all. And I'd like to.
In other news, the arrangements for my party are now in full swing. I have to do the very exciting job of picking out food for the canape menu!
I've also been painstakingly compiling what I intend to be the party playlist of the century. It's what all great parties are made of - cheesy pop tunes you danced to at your school disco, thumping house and club tunes to get the mood going, a bit of R&B, rock and all sorts of other genres thrown into the mix for a bit of variety.I'm not really much of a party girl in real life. I'm a social butterfly and a conversation starter, but I prefer quiet evenings at home watching TV with the cats to getting my groove on in a nightclub. I guess, approaching the age of eighteen, this makes me kinda weird. I don't drink alcohol either (with the exception of perhaps a glass of Bailey's at Christmas) because I believe in the Buddhist precept of avoiding things which cloud the mind. Paganism goes hand in hand with a lot of Buddhism, I find, which is probably why I find myself agreeing with a lot of that faith's ideas. Anyway, given the lifestyle I lead in regards to intoxicating beverages and nights out on the tiles, it is perhaps surprising to some of my friends who know me only too well, that I would choose to celebrate my blossoming into adulthood (
) by holding a massive party in a Central London bar...Well, the first seventeen years of my life has had its ups and downs, but compared to other people I wouldn't say it has been happy, for a variety of reasons which I prefer not to disclose. And I'd like to see that all off in style, doing what I love best: being around my friends and family. Because I may've had an... ...interesting start in life, to say the least - but my friends have been amazing. I've had pretty shitty excuses for friends in the past, but I have more "true" friends than a lot of people could ever wish for. And I guess that, despite all the circumstances in my life which have come before, that makes me one of the luckiest people in this world.
Anyway, heavy emo-rambling aside, I found an interesting new blog on the Great Interwebs. Be sure to check out shiny shiny: a girl's guide to gadgets. If you're anywhere near as dorky and obsessed with pretty-looking gadgets as me, you'll be glad that you did.
| Update by Sali @ 00:25, Wed. October 4 2006 |
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