*sigh* bleh...
Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff

Let's put it this way, after a year I'm single again, not to mention hurt, confused and bloody fucking livid.

I'm not so sure I can ever really trust the person again who is responsible for all this. Frankly he's done the worst he could possibly do, and while the worst of it is now over I feel so very mixed up over the whole thing. I thought he was not so socially and mentally retarded to think it was OK to cheat on his own girlfriend, but hey, I must've been wrong.

I'm still trying to get over all this. I am asking myself a lot of questions, numerous of which I am totally unsure about the answers.

He seems to be desperate to make this all up to me and stop me from being hurt, he tells me he cares about me a lot and that he loves to see me happy, but how do I know that, and how do I know he doesn't go round saying that to everyone else? Sorry but if he really does care, why the fuck did he cheat on me?
He seems so sorry about it all... he tells me he felt tearful, and he normally doesn't cry over anything... but I am not so sure that isn't just because he happened to eventually get caught. I don't feel sure about myself right now, let alone him.

Basically, we're starting all over again. As friends. Since the break up we've cuddled, held hands, and I've had kisses on the forehead and cheek. But I am not willing to go any further. I want to take things slowly, just do simple, fun things, as friends, and see where it goes from there - for us to follow our hearts. I really don't know how things will turn out but they'll never truly go anywhere till I've gotten rid of all this anger and frustration.
I just don't have a clue what the hell he could possibly do now that would make this all possible, but hey, that's something he's got lots of thinking to do about, not me.

Now the worst bit is over (I think ), I'm in the process of getting rid of anything that could remind me of him and make me think impulsively and irrationally. I might feel sad to get rid of it all, but I know that truly, you have to be cruel to be kind, and doing things for the right against my own current will shall make me gradually stronger, and the better person (though right now, I think I'm the better person in all this anyway - after all, I was faithful.)
You know, I might be annoying sometimes, I might be a know-it-all, I might sometimes be selfish, I might not listen to people when I have to, and I might be terribly emotionally impulsive but, you know, at least I am honest and loyal. If this whole shiznit has taught me anything it's just how important it is not to lie.

I'm not being spiteful or nasty, I'm just saying how I feel, and that should be what this is for, right? I have every right and privilege to write what I bloody well want in this thing, regardless of what he might think. Frankly, I don't think he really has the right to be instructing me on how to run my own life right now.
You know, I'm sorry for doing this when you said you didn't want me to, but to be fair to you there's a lot more I could say here that I've kept to myself just for the sake of it being something that should stay completely personal.

So forgive me for doing things for myself for once, but this is a step I need to take to get over this, and perhaps even forgive you. At least it will get rid of some of the burning fury in my system.
Besides, I think seeing as I feel humiliated right now for actually believing in you, you could do with feeling embarrassed yourself. In that sense, if you're reading this, I feel some form of public apology would be great.

You asked me yesterday morning if I wanted to hit you. Take this as one of many punches in the face. As much as I wanted to break your nose, I didn't want blood AND tears staining my clothes.

Believe me, you will be thanking me for doing this in the long run.

Update by Sali @ 17:33, Fri. June 30 2006



| archive | wishlist